If you haven’t checked out the new 2009 lineup from Honda motorcycles, well, you probably won’t want to after you read my screeching.

90% of Honda street bikes for 2009 are over-the-fucking-top plastic chrome croozers. I swear to God, I can’t tell a 21st century V-Star from a Boulevard from a Shadow from a Vulcan. Seriously, will some metric manufacturer get a spine and make something that looks different from all the others? Sheesh. Triumph and Buell are looking better year by year.

Honda croozers: four choices, essentially: a Rebel 250, a 750 Shadow, a 1300VTX monstrosity, and an 1800 VTX it-better-not-fall-over-or-there-it-will-sit-forever 800 pound behemouth. Hell, the Rebel will run you four thousand dollars in 2009. I got my CM250 Custom in 1984 as a junior in high school, think it cost about a grand out the door.

But the real reason I decided to write this post is to get an answer:

What The Fuck Is This?

From Honda’s website:

“It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen on two wheels. And for good reason: no other motorcycle maker is as stupid as Honda to torpedo a few million in its R&D.” [italics mine]

This shark-nosed bubble-fest scooter with big tires is the Honda DN-01. They call it a ‘Crossover’. Apparently, when you ‘cross over’ from a sane person capable of chewing your own food to an openly drooling buffoon with fifteen grand burning a hole in your pocket, this is the bike for you.

Engine size: 650cc. Hell, the seat is bigger than its engine. Probably as exciting.

Its speedo cluster is as big as a Buick’s.

Styling: part scooter (top half is all Silver Wing scooter, no?) part ST1300 (at the nose).

Oh, and it’s an Automatic. Yeah, because so many of us were thinking during our last two wheeled jaunt, “I really love the experience of motorcycling, but this pesky shifting is really crampin’ my style. If only I had kept that Honda CM400 automatic from 1981.”

No. No one says that. Ever. Don’t want to shift? Let me show you the scooter section. Pick out a lovely toothpaste-colored Vino or something. When you locate your testicles (or Virtual Testicles for the women), we’ll sell you a real motorcycle (*cough*Aprilia*cough*.)

The price of this DN-01? Oh, that’s the best part: $15,599. That’s more than half of the way to sixteen thousand dollars. It is four hundred dollars less than the ST1300 sport tourer.

I found this ‘motorcycle’ on Honda’s website when I briefly entertained the idea of walking my fat butt over to the dealership to see what’s up and consider a new bike this year. Hell, I have a good job finally, and the credit card debt is nearly all paid off. No better time to incur more debt than in the midst of a RECESSION. I live dangerously.

What’s my favorite bike from Honda for 2009? The XR650L at $6499. Which is nine hundred dollars more than Kawasaki’s KLR650 and eight hundred more than Suzuki’s ho hum DR650SE. I guess Yamaha is pretty much giving up all but the croozers category, and the R-1 and R-6. That’s Yamaha in the 21st Century. Four bikes.